“Yellow Motorcycles”

It happens every summer…

I see the first yellow motorcycle of the season and I’m brought back to that day. Today was by far the worst flashback I have ever experienced. The tears streaming down my face as my mind takes me back to the day I found out I took his life driving drunk. That yellow motorcycle paralyzed me with thoughts I am really good at actively not thinking about.

His family who live without him.

The fiancé who didn’t get to say I do.

The person he couldn’t become.

And the harsh reality that everything I have become is because of that one decision that took his precious life. I’d give every moment back to have made a better choice or to trade places. I’ve prayed prayers that God cannot answer and have deep pain that is nearly unbearable at times.

The truth is there were days that I was convinced suicide was the best answer but I knew on my heart that my God kept me alive that night and many times after for a purpose. He has been my guide through every negative thought. Although I’m still not sure why I was spared, I know that he made me a survivor and reminds me to share my worst mistakes so that others can be saved from following in my footsteps.

I share my best life on social media and people respond to me about how I have so much fun and am so happy. I don’t often share that behind that smile are a million tears. And the pain that doesn’t go away. I fight hard to be happy every single day but there are times when I succumb to the pain I hold deep inside. I cry. I go into a place where I can be alone and cry and think about the “what if’s” that will never have answers. I cry some more. I don’t talk to people about what I am feeling and keep my sadness in. I hold on to that moment I cannot change trying to figure out how I can forgive myself like God forgives us all. I enter a place within myself I normally lock away. And I know these moments are just moments…

Today I decided to share what’s behind the scenes… driving drunk took an innocent man’s life and changed mine forever. It doesn’t matter what I do in my life, I will always remember that day.

Yellow motorcycles remind me.